A DagensBanan.se Cybersecurity Subsidiary
Our Core Philosophy
After extensive peer review (over 23 pints at O'Banana's Irish Pub), our team formally established that the best security strategy is one crafted in retrospect, with the benefit of hindsight, a slight hangover, and a very detailed incident timeline.
We believe that understanding a breach thoroughly after the fact is equivalent โ if not superior โ to preventing it in the first place. Our 200-page incident reports have won four industry awards and zero actual breaches have been prevented, but we're trending upward.
RETROACTIVE EXCELLENCEScience backs us up: at approximately beer #4, pattern recognition increases by 340%. By beer #7, our analysts have identified every root cause. By beer #9, they've also invented three new attack vectors, two new frameworks, and named a vulnerability after someone's ex.
HOPS-INFUSED INSIGHTSLike a banana, our security posture is yellow on the outside and gets better with age โ up to a point. Our proprietary BRMโข calculates exactly when your security posture transitions from "perfectly ripe" to "compost heap." We monitor the ripeness daily via dagensbanan.se.
POTASSIUM-GRADE SECURITYIf an attacker reads your post-incident report and feels genuinely bad about what they did, that's deterrence. Our NDPโข framework produces reports so emotionally compelling that three penetration testers have publicly apologized after reading them. On LinkedIn.
PROSE-LEVEL ENCRYPTIONWe don't just document what happened โ we craft a narrative arc. Every breach has a protagonist (the attacker), an antagonist (our firewall, briefly), and a redemption arc (the 40-page remediation plan that may or may not get implemented).
OSCAR-WORTHY REPORTSUsing our proprietary AI model (trained on 14 incident reports and one very long Slack thread), we can now tell you โ with 73% accuracy โ what the root cause of your NEXT breach will be, based exclusively on patterns from your last breach. This is not the same as prevention.
RETROGRADE FORECASTINGBy The Numbers
*Satisfaction measured among clients who have not yet discovered they were breached. Survey conducted at bar. All respondents were beer #6 deep. Margin of error: ยฑ๐
Research Methodology
After 18 months of continuous research (and one very memorable Friday), our team has definitively mapped the relationship between beer consumption and security insight quality. Click the glasses.
Threat Landscape
๐ Threat Vectors vs. Our Afterwords Coverage Rate (Higher = More Retroactively Addressed)
Our Process
All great incident reports start with a section called "Prior Indicators We Chose Not To Act Upon."
This section is essential for narrative tension. You cannot have a good Afterwordsโข document
without first establishing that warning signs were present and thoroughly disregarded.
Estimated time: ongoing, indefinitely
Upon discovering a security incident, the first step is to assemble the entire security team
at a local establishment for an emergency brainstorming session. This must happen before
any containment efforts, as the pub's WiFi is excellent and the nachos are critical
to maintaining cognitive function during root cause analysis.
Recommended: O'Banana's Irish Pub, Thursdays after 6PM
During this critical phase, team members identify the root cause, propose remediation strategies, and draw attack diagrams on napkins. The napkin diagrams are later scanned and included as Appendix F in the final report. Quality of diagrams peaks at beer #3.
NAPKIN-GRADE ARCHITECTUREThis is where magic happens. Around beer #5-6, the team enters a flow state where all systemic security flaws become simultaneously visible. This phase produces 73% of all actionable insights and 100% of the creative vulnerability names (e.g., "BananaSlip," "PeelAndReveal," "The MoJito Attack").
PEAK INSIGHT WINDOWAt this juncture, the conversation inevitably shifts to whether cybersecurity as a discipline is fundamentally reactive by nature, and therefore Security By Afterwordsโข is not a bug but a feature of the entire industry. This section is included in our reports as "Executive Philosophy Note" and clients find it surprisingly relatable.
OPTIONAL: MAY SKIP IF DRIVINGThe actual incident report is written the following morning, informed by the previous evening's insights, three pages of napkin drawings, and one voice memo that begins with "okay so here's the thing about zero-trust" and ends with someone ordering a kebab. The report is comprehensive, well-cited, and 100% banana-free (unless the client requests Appendix ๐).
REQUIRES: COFFEE, ASPIRINAt this stage, some clients request that we actually fix the vulnerabilities identified. We accommodate this with our Remediation Annexโข service โ an additional engagement where we implement the napkin diagrams as actual security controls. Priced separately. Not covered in the base Afterwordsโข package.
ADD-ON PRICING APPLIESOur report presentation format was designed by our UX team (one person, several bananas). We open with a dramatic timeline visualization, proceed to root cause, and close with a compelling vision of what could have been prevented if anyone had attended the security training we delivered in Q1. Banana props are optional but strongly correlated with board approval ratings.
๐ BANANA PROPS: RECOMMENDED
Following a successful Afterwordsโข delivery, the team reconvenes at the pub to celebrate
and begin the research process for the next engagement. Our retention rate is 94% among
clients with recurring incidents. We're very good at what we do.
๐ Fun fact: Our most loyal client has used us 11 times. We sent them a banana bouquet on their 10th engagement.
Free Tool
Answer three questions and our AI will assess your organization's readiness for Security By Afterwordsโข โ and how many beers it will take to get there.
What We Offer
Standards & Compliance
*Compliance assessed by our internal team. Independent audits available for additional fee. Auditor will also be taken to the pub.
| Framework / Standard | Compliant? | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| ISO 27001 (Information Security) | ๐ก Partially | Compliant with all clauses that can be satisfied retroactively. Annex A Section 8.2.3 remains "aspirational." |
| GDPR (Data Protection) | ๐ก Spirit Of | We protect the spirit of personal data. The data itself is occasionally unprotected but very well documented afterwards. |
| NIST Cybersecurity Framework | โ Yes (4/5 Functions) | Identify: โ Protect: ๐ก Detect: โ Respond: โ Recover: โ . "Protect" function is covered in the follow-up report. |
| SOC 2 Type II | โ Not Yet | Currently in the "Afterwords" phase of our SOC 2 preparation. Expect certification by Q4 of the year after next. |
| PCI DSS | ๐ก Selective | Compliant with requirements 1, 3, 5, and 11. Requirements 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 12 are "noted for future consideration." |
| BananaSecโข AfterwordSโข Standard (BASS-1) | โ Fully Certified | We wrote this standard. Perfect score. ๐ |
| ISO 5000 (Beer Quality) | โ Exceeds Requirements | Our research methodology strictly adheres to international beer quality standards. Craft IPAs preferred. |
| DagensBanan.se Freshness Standard | ๐ Perfectly Ripe | Security posture checked against daily banana ripeness index. Currently "ready to eat." Monitor for overripeness. |
The Minds Behind It
All team photos taken the morning after the founding research session. Everyone recovered fully.
Chief Afterwords Officer (CAO)
Former CISO at three different companies, each of which experienced exactly one major breach per year. Bjรถrn considers this a 100% documentation success rate. Holds a PhD in Post-Incident Narrative Theory from the University of Gothenburg and a Certificate in Advanced Banana Studies from dagensbanan.se.
Head of Retroactive Intelligence
Ingrid can write a 50-page incident report in under 4 hours, provided she has her lucky banana, two cortados, and a Spotify playlist called "Hacking But Make It Cozy." Her reports have been described as "disturbingly readable" and "suspiciously entertaining for a forensic document."
Automated Hindsight Engine
BANA-1 was fine-tuned exclusively on incident reports, pub menus, and a complete archive of dagensbanan.se. It can predict your next breach with 73% accuracy and will spontaneously generate banana puns during executive presentations. A feature, not a bug.
Principal Skeptic / Part-Time Hacker
Lars has penetration-tested 47 organizations and written a stern email to each of them. He trusts no one, not even himself, and particularly not the coffee machine, which he suspects is running an outdated firmware that could be exploited to gain control of the entire office HVAC system. He is not wrong.
Client Voices
"The BananaSecโข team arrived 36 hours after our breach, ordered nachos, and by the end of the evening had produced the most comprehensive attack timeline I've ever seen. It was written on six cocktail napkins and a paper bag, but when digitized and formatted, it read like a thriller novel. 10/10 would be breached again."
"I was skeptical. Then I read the report. Then I cried a little. Not because we'd been hacked, but because the narrative arc of our incident report was genuinely moving. The section titled 'The Moment The Firewall Died' had me gripping my chair. Is this what security feels like?"
"DagensBanan.se told us to check BananaSecโข. We had already been breached twice that week. The team came, drank seven beers each, and then produced a report that included a vulnerability we hadn't even discovered yet. Their Predictive Hindsightโข technology is either magic or they have access to our systems. We chose to believe it's magic."
Investment
PEEL TIER
BUNCH TIER
PLANTATION TIER
[ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOTTOM OF THE INTERNET. CONGRATULATIONS. ]
.-"""-.
/ \ BananaSecโข Threat Intelligence Dashboard
| ๐๐บ๐ | โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
| |
| SECURE | THREAT LEVEL: [โโโโโโโโโโ] HIGH RISK
| BY | BEER LEVEL: [โโโโโโโโโโ] OPTIMAL
| AFTER- | BANANA RIPENESS: [โโโโโโโโโโ] APPROACHING PEAK
| WORDS | REPORT QUALITY: [โโโโโโโโโโ] MASTERPIECE
\ / ACTUAL SECURITY: [โโโโโโโโโโ] NEGLIGIBLE
`-----' POST-INCIDENT: [โโโโโโโโโโ] EXCELLENT
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โ LATEST ACTIVITY LOG โ
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโค
โ 03:47 BANA-1: "roses are red / port 443 is โ
โ open / we should have closed it / โ
โ but the report is dope" โ
โ 03:48 Lars: "I trust no one. Not even me." โ
โ 03:49 Bjรถrn: "add that to appendix F" โ
โ 03:50 Ingrid: "already did. with citations." โ
โ 03:51 [USER_UNKNOWN]: nice box, btw โ
โ 03:51 System: WHO ARE YOU. LOG OUT. โ
โ 03:52 [USER_UNKNOWN]: afterwords :) โ
โ 03:52 System: ...dammit โ
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๐บ BEER PONG: SECURITY EDITION ๐บ
Sink a cup = gain security insight. Miss = document the failure. This is basically our methodology.
INSIGHTS GAINED: 0 | REPORTS WRITTEN: 0
Click anywhere on the canvas to throw. Aim for the cups. Each cup you sink represents one security insight your team will discover at approximately beer #5. Missing a cup generates one (1) additional Afterwordsโข paragraph.
CERTIFICATE OF SECURITY
This hereby certifies that YOU, the visitor,
have successfully navigated to the bottom of this page,
demonstrating superior persistence and a high tolerance
for banana-themed cybersecurity humor.
You are hereby granted the honorary title of:
Chief Afterwords Enthusiast ๐
Certified by BananaSecโข ยท Serial No. ๐๐บ๐๐ ยท Not legally binding ยท
But spiritually? Very much so.
dagensbanan.se โ today's banana, yesterday's security, tomorrow's report
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